Why Does My Wife Worry About Leaving Me Home Alone?

I feel it is my obligation to set the record straight on something.  However I'm not exactly sure, nor even remotely sure what that thing is.  It seems perplexing, I know, but deep down I just know that I'm destined to shine a light on some hitherto misunderstood concept and thereby alter the course of humanity.  I accept my duty with humility and determination.  I have no delusions of grandeur because popularity has nothing to do with it.  I'm just rolling with the circumstances I've been given.

You might wonder where I would get such an idea.  Well, I really like Chinese food.  Not the fancy authentic stuff but the cheap, triple portion, just out of the microwave take-out stuff.  It satisfies my taste buds like a paternity test to a daytime talk show addict.  Oh yes, and I do use chopsticks.  I find that they give me an exhilarating sense of dexterity. 

It goes without saying then that I have eaten my share of fortune cookies.  I have even come to like the way they taste especially with a little of that bright red sweet and sour sauce on them.  I love to read the fortunes and in the past I have written them off as silly novelties that were meant only for entertainment.  However, after many, many fortunes I have yet to read one that said "you will never reveal an important new finding."  After so many years of never having such a fortune I have come to the conclusion that, novelty or not, this must be a sign.  

I don't like to be superstitious because the Sixth Sense really freaked me out and I don't want to worry about creepy apparitions haunting me.  But the evidence in this case is quite irrefutable.  No matter how you look at it something big is coming and it's coming by way of me.  I try not to speculate too much on what it might be but I'm pretty certain that it will include a campaign against prevailing wisdom and time honored traditions.  Obviously you can't have something new without first throwing away the old outdated stuff.  I'll probably end up taking my fight all the way to congress and giving my loyal followers enough sound bites to keep them happily chirping into as many megaphones as we can get our hands on.

I sincerely hope that this foreknowledge about my upcoming duties doesn't cause alarm.  I'm simply following the plan set out before me by so many others.  I am no egomaniac and I fully comprehend that I am not the first to have this responsibility placed upon me, nor will I be the last.  I can think of several recent issues that give me a firm confidence that I am not the only one who has read between the lines of the fortune cookie.

So for now we wait.  I will shoulder this burden with a happy heart content in the knowledge that somewhere out there is a secret that nobody really cares about nor benefits from and I get to spill it to the world.  And how will I know it when I find it?  Easy, the eight ball will tell me.