Can You Dig It?

Back when I was nine or ten years old I would often dig holes just for the sake of digging.  I would search out an unsuspecting piece of ground and when a satisfactory spot was located I would plunge in my shovel and dig with all my might.  My criteria for a satisfactory spot consisted of finding soft dirt with nothing edible growing in it.  Digging up unripened garden vegetables was frowned upon by my parents, as was shooting out windows with a BB gun.  How was I supposed to know?  It happened that most of my digging took place in my Uncle's garden.  He lived next door to us and would pretty much let me do anything I wanted to do.  Hence the windows and the BB gun.  So I would find a spot in his garden and dig the merry day away.  Luckily there was an impenetrable clay layer about three feet down or I might still be there digging.

Most folks have a purpose for digging a hole - gold, oil, dinosaur bones, China - but not me.  I was just digging because there was dirt and I needed to excavate.  Sometimes I would fill the hole with water and pretend to have just dug a well.  Coincidentally, this was the same logic used by the government in the recent economic stimulus spending.

My excavations weren't always so large in scale as to require a shovel.  Often a spoon was sufficient.  Not because my ambition was slackened but because it was the proper tool for the job.  With a spoon, for example, if you have the right soil moisture content you can dig a shallow tunnel that is perfectly sized for a Hot Wheels underpass.  I witnessed many an unfortunate 1:64 scale car being buried beneath the rubble of one of these seismically unsound traffic structures.  It usually only took two big stomps and the whole thing would crumble.  You're probably wondering why it took two stomps to crush a six inch archway made of silty loam soil.  Have you ever seen someone do a front flip because they tried to stomp so hard that they missed the ground altogether?  Believe me, it can happen. Occasionally it was even necessary to call in an air strike to finish the job.  I'll just let your imagination run with that one.  (This is where my wife dolefully laments, "Boys!!", and rolls her eyes.)

I'm not quite sure where my desire to dig came from.  If you trace my geneology back to Jolly Old England you will find that many of my ancestors were coal miners.  Perhaps they were calling to me through the ages to remind me of my heritage.  Or, more likely, I have Hobbit blood in me and I was instinctively trying to burrow out a home.  This would explain my excessively hairy toes and less than towering stature.  It would also explain why I have an overwhelming urge to mark "Other" for my ethnicity.  I figure I must be either part Hobbit or part Pygmy Sasquatch.  Either way I would make a terrific candidate for the Circus -- "The Great Hairy Human Cannonball!!!"

The strange thing was that every time I filled in the hole there would be some dirt that had inexplicably vanished.  No matter how carefully I stowed the dirt I always ended up short, which meant that I had to dig another hole to fill in the first.  It was like a Ponzi scheme, only with dirt instead of money.  Eventually, though, it would all even out and I was able to avoid a lengthy prison sentence.  Mr. Madoff could learn a thing or two from me, most importantly that people with sub-par judgement should stick to playing with dirt and leave the money alone.

As I've gotten older my tendency to dig has diminished.  I just don't have it in me anymore and besides, I blister easily.   I'm afraid digging is yet another pastime that is fading into memory.  It makes me a little sad.  Maybe I should go out and dig a hole right now for old times sake.  I can see the headlines now: "Thirty four year old Hobbit-American prospecting for gold in back yard; Simultaneously strikes underground gas and power lines; Explosion leaves crater halfway to China; Unearths T-Rex fossil; Records longest human cannonball flight; Lands safely on unexplained dirt pile."

It Does a Body Good

Why is milk so good? It seems funny to me that my beverage of choice would come from the underside of a cow. I've been in a milking barn before and it's no citrus orchard, but still there is nothing I like better then a tall, cold glass of milk. I fancy myself as having somewhat of a refined taste for it. Much like the wine connoisseur, I have trained my palate to detect even the slightest differences in flavor, texture and breed. In fact being a connoisseur of milk is vastly more difficult than wine. For example, with wine you have many different years worth of product with which to compare. It's like having training wheels for your taste buds. You may be able to sample a Chardonnay from any of the past 50 years, but I defy you to find a nice '87 Holstein 2%. And if you do find such a thing I would pay good money to watch you "drink" it. No, with milk you've got maybe 3 weeks at best. Unless it's Skim milk, in which case you might push it out to a month and a half.

Having a refined milk taste, I have been able to distinguish the perfect milk to go along with any meal. Steak and potatoes, for instance, goes nicely with a Jersey 1%, while waffles are more enjoyable with a fuller bodied Holstein 2%. Mexican food is best served with a Guernsey 2% which has the added benefit of taking the edge off the spicy peppers. And for hot cocoa nothing beats a Brown Swiss Vitamin D because chocolate milk comes from brown cows as any child, and more adults than you can imagine, will tell you.

However, the proper milk for dunking cookies doesn't have as much to do with breed or percent milkfat as it does with temperature and quantity control. Temperature and quantity control are key to a good cookie dunking experience. The milk must be ice cold to start with and proper dunk control should be exercised in order to prevent the removal of excess milk with each dunk. Except, of course, for the obligatory drip on the chin with each bite, which I always think of as a sacrifice to the napkin gods. That's as pagan as I get.

Now, depending upon the ambient temperature of the room, the dunking should continue apace so that the milk temperature approaches the cookie temperature. Once the cookie-to-milk temperature differential ranges between 10° to 15°F (6° to 9°C) then is the ideal time to "wash down" the previously consumed cookies. Just be sure that enough milk is left in the glass to adequately satisfy the purpose, because adding more milk will surely leave you disappointed. Added milk has neither the correct cookie crumb content nor the proper temperature and therefore could destroy the entire snack experience.

As an aside, cookie selection is also of extreme importance in dunking. Many people like to use crispy cookies, however, crispy cookies, after being submerged in milk, tend to dissolve into almost a foamy texture. I prefer chewy cookies which get more of a nougaty texture after dunking. Either one, though, can be a delightsome counterpart to a glass of milk.

I have tried the so called "milk substitutes" and I ask; can you really substitute milk? Maybe you can make soybean juice look, feel and even taste like milk. Likewise, I can keep you alive indefinitely by knocking you unconscious and hooking you up to a machine. Is that a satisfactory substitute? I think not! White soybean juice can never replace the Real© thing. Sorry to all of you who are allergic or lactose intolerant. That's just the way it is. Besides, I won't tolerate intolerance, it simply isn't right.

My wife laughs at me because I choose my snacks based on how well they will go with a glass of milk. I can't help it, I have priorities. Besides who is she to criticize my snacking when she can't stand to eat cooked eggs but loves to eat cookie dough mere moments after mixing in slimy raw eggs. Speaking of cookie dough, I wonder if she would bake some right now? I'd better make sure we have milk first. Happy dunking!

Out with the Old and In with the New

Responsibility. Honesty. Integrity. The Dodo bird. All extinct. As I observe the constant strugglings between different factions of people I can't help but wonder how things would be different if we could just bring back those fundamentals. Especially the Dodo. But it seems that convenient replacements have been found for each of the aforementioned items which have been shown to provide much more profitable and immediate results.

Responsibility, for example, has been replaced with fairness. Fairness is easier to regulate. If one group has an advantage over another then of course the rules must be changed in order to benefit the less advantaged. Traditionally those who have been more fortunate are expected to bear the responsibility of helping those who may have been given a more troublesome lot in life. In this way everyone prospers, but it's hard to enforce responsibility. On the other hand, it's gratifying and easy to heap on regulations that level the playing field. The fact that more rules only hinder the ones who act responsibly to begin with is simply a regrettable circumstance that can't be avoided.

In place of honesty we now have equality. When all things are equalized then there is no more need for honesty. Think about it, we lie in order to get faster gain over one another. The situation is resolved by compelled equality. So even if your lie works, and you get more than somebody else, it's going to be taken away and spread out equally. Again the inherently honest are the ones who suffer most from absolute equality since they are the only people who's full worth will ever be revealed. But telling the truth is silly and outdated, it can never work in modern society. We have progressed far beyond that point.

Integrity has historically been the cornerstone of stability. It is a combination of honesty and responsibility. It has been the driving force compelling individuals to achieve great things. Not any more. Integrity, it seems, has been replaced by wealth. Money, to be more specific. What a beautiful thing. All you have to do is wave a few dollars in front of people and all of a sudden anything is possible. Growth built on integrity is slow and uninteresting but growth built on the desire for money is lightning fast and extremely entertaining. Our tenacious hunger for more money has even become a money maker in itself, such as in the case of Las Vegas or more recently Washington DC. Flashy lights, smoke filled parlors, pleasures galore! What more could a person want?

Then there's the Dodo. He never did anybody wrong and his reward was utter annihilation. Never fear though, he has been replaced by a much more desirable character who is entirely more befitting the name. I like to call him the news analyst / talkshow host. The one who can take any situation and remove all relevant information in exchange for a pitch of their own ideals. There can be no fairness and equality without a news analyst or talkshow host to decry the unfairness and inequality which still exists. Only then can we define what is fair and equal.

It's a new world we live in and we must not stand in the way of progress. So repeat after me, "my life is harder than most, I have next to nothing and the Dodo says I need to kick out all of the foreigners so that I can get all the free stuff they're getting." That's all you need to remember.

A Cure For What Ails You

I really don't like to talk politics much. For one thing, I'm not smart enough to hold my own in a political conversation and, for another, it gives me the hiccups. True story! Every time I get involved in a political discussion, I get the hiccups. My wife thinks it's funny. It reminds her of the time when she convinced me that if I opened my mouth really wide it would make my hiccups go away. Have you ever tried that? It has the same general effect as a megaphone and it does not make the hiccups go away. But it can wake up sleeping babies in adjacent apartments. I guarantee she is still laughing about that right now.

I have, however, found my own secret cure for the hiccups. I plan on lobbying to get it included in the new health care reform legislation. By the way, I am completely in favor of government run health care. Let me just take a moment to stress how urgently we need a bureaucratic process to simplify our medical system. And those skyrocketing costs!?! Throughout the long years of our country, if our politicians have proven anything it's that they can cheapen anything they touch.

So are you curious what my secret hiccup cure is? Well then I'll tell you... wait for it... I can stop them with my mind! I know it sounds silly but it really works. First I have to find a quiet place with no distractions. Then I lay down so that my entire body can be completely relaxed. Not even the slightest muscle straining. In Yoga this is known as the 'Sunday after church' position.

Then I focus on something directly in front of my eyes, being careful that not even my eyeball muscles are strained. My eyeball muscles are quite toned, by the way. I'm pretty sure strong eyeball muscles is a requirement for being a contributor to society. Anyway, I find something to focus on. It could be anything, like a speck on the ceiling or... well... um... On second thought, it can't be just anything. It's got to be a speck.

Once I've focused on my speck and my body is completely relaxed, then I start to breath very slowly, carefully controlling the amount of air that is entering and leaving my lungs. Each time a hiccup comes I recompose myself, control my breathing and focus my every thought on the speck. It takes about 30 seconds and then my hiccups are gone!

Unfortunately nobody has ever observed this feat because it throws off my concentration when I'm being watched. I have to be completely alone. I know what you're thinking right now, "this guy must be brilliant!" Just remember, it's not about me, it's about helping others.

Until now I've only developed complete control over my hiccups, but I'm working my way into bigger things. For example, recently, while waiting for an oil change on my truck, I was able to lift the guy sitting next to me from his seat simply by staring at him and sort of squinting a little bit. I actually stood him up on his feet and made him walk! It must have surprised him because he gave me the oddest look as I moved him across the room and sat him as far away from me as possible.

Just as a disclaimer, I am not a medical professional and my methods are not approved by the American Medical Association. That being said, I'd like to point out that the American Medical Association hasn't approved legislative committees as a viable medical practice either. But that's not stopping them! Who needs medical science when you've got willpower, or a super majority?

So you see, I like to steer clear of political discussion. 'hic' It never really solves 'hic' anything and afterwards I always 'hic' find myself alone.