A Cure For What Ails You

I really don't like to talk politics much. For one thing, I'm not smart enough to hold my own in a political conversation and, for another, it gives me the hiccups. True story! Every time I get involved in a political discussion, I get the hiccups. My wife thinks it's funny. It reminds her of the time when she convinced me that if I opened my mouth really wide it would make my hiccups go away. Have you ever tried that? It has the same general effect as a megaphone and it does not make the hiccups go away. But it can wake up sleeping babies in adjacent apartments. I guarantee she is still laughing about that right now.

I have, however, found my own secret cure for the hiccups. I plan on lobbying to get it included in the new health care reform legislation. By the way, I am completely in favor of government run health care. Let me just take a moment to stress how urgently we need a bureaucratic process to simplify our medical system. And those skyrocketing costs!?! Throughout the long years of our country, if our politicians have proven anything it's that they can cheapen anything they touch.

So are you curious what my secret hiccup cure is? Well then I'll tell you... wait for it... I can stop them with my mind! I know it sounds silly but it really works. First I have to find a quiet place with no distractions. Then I lay down so that my entire body can be completely relaxed. Not even the slightest muscle straining. In Yoga this is known as the 'Sunday after church' position.

Then I focus on something directly in front of my eyes, being careful that not even my eyeball muscles are strained. My eyeball muscles are quite toned, by the way. I'm pretty sure strong eyeball muscles is a requirement for being a contributor to society. Anyway, I find something to focus on. It could be anything, like a speck on the ceiling or... well... um... On second thought, it can't be just anything. It's got to be a speck.

Once I've focused on my speck and my body is completely relaxed, then I start to breath very slowly, carefully controlling the amount of air that is entering and leaving my lungs. Each time a hiccup comes I recompose myself, control my breathing and focus my every thought on the speck. It takes about 30 seconds and then my hiccups are gone!

Unfortunately nobody has ever observed this feat because it throws off my concentration when I'm being watched. I have to be completely alone. I know what you're thinking right now, "this guy must be brilliant!" Just remember, it's not about me, it's about helping others.

Until now I've only developed complete control over my hiccups, but I'm working my way into bigger things. For example, recently, while waiting for an oil change on my truck, I was able to lift the guy sitting next to me from his seat simply by staring at him and sort of squinting a little bit. I actually stood him up on his feet and made him walk! It must have surprised him because he gave me the oddest look as I moved him across the room and sat him as far away from me as possible.

Just as a disclaimer, I am not a medical professional and my methods are not approved by the American Medical Association. That being said, I'd like to point out that the American Medical Association hasn't approved legislative committees as a viable medical practice either. But that's not stopping them! Who needs medical science when you've got willpower, or a super majority?

So you see, I like to steer clear of political discussion. 'hic' It never really solves 'hic' anything and afterwards I always 'hic' find myself alone.