Stop, Hey, What's that Sound?

If you've never been ice blocking, then you've never experienced the thrill of standing amongst your peers having a wet bum and not feeling ashamed.  Sure it's fun to go screaming down a grassy hill on a six inch block of ice, but that's nothing compared to the satisfaction of having a perfectly acceptable excuse for what is typically a very embarrassing circumstance, especially since everyone around you probably has a wet bum too.

Everyone dreads those moments when an otherwise innocent spill takes on a whole new level of humiliation by landing in an awkward location.  By awkward I mean the kind of spot where people tend to question the validity of your story.  "No really, the cup holders were all full and I needed to shift gears so I put my drink in my lap, when all of a sudden Bigfoot jumps out in front of me!"  See what I mean?  An otherwise believable story is completely discredited simply by the implication arising from the location of the wet spot. 

These incidents are not limited to visual faux pas either.  Sound and smell often get involved as well.  We’ve all been in a room full of people when suddenly our chair cushion emits a loud raspberry as we lean forward.  When everyone turns to look, you inconspicuously make the motion again two or three times and pray that the same noise comes out so as to make sure that everybody knows the source.  It has occurred to me in the past that some people may not make the connection between the chair cushion and the sound and, therefore, may consider your repeated outbursts as utterly shameless and juvenile.  Since I can only worry about one of my insecurities at a time, I tend to ignore this thought. 

Conspicuous smells are probably the worst because when an odd smell suddenly drifts into a room it is often impossible to pinpoint the source.  In that instant everyone in the room suspects everyone else of two things; first, “they think I did it” and second, “I think they did it.”  If you only suspect one of those two possibilities then you are either overly judgmental or guilty.  Of course nobody will acknowledge the smell because we’ve all heard the saying “the smeller’s the feller.”  So we go on in quiet discomfort, although somebody in the room is obviously more comfortable, and try to ignore the situation because next time it might be us.

The deepest dread comes in those few moments following a chair cushion sound when out of nowhere an inexplicable odor hits the air.  Is it some cruel trick of fate or did some opportunistic burrito eater hear their chance to let one fly?  It’s also possible that there is no odor at all but rather it’s the result of an overly anxious mind. In any case no amount of explanation can possibly ease the situation and will probably only make it worse.  Just do what everyone else is doing, trying to stifle a laugh and not making eye contact.

I think that in all of the above situations the typical reaction is to ignore it for the very reason that “next time it might be me.”  As one of societies unwritten rules, most people follow the logic that unless you are running for political office it’s best not to point out other peoples’ flaws in hopes that they won’t point out yours.  Then there’s that contemptible jerk that is always quick to point out everyone else’s deficiencies.  For them we hope for the day when their flaws are exposed to the world, only to find that when the moment arrives our satisfaction is dulled by pity when their reaction proves that they have no sense of self-worth. 

Wow, that was really a downer.  The incessant background music in my mind suddenly changed from “I Feel Good” to that country song “Don’t Laugh at Me.”  That’s right; I hear music in my mind to go along with whatever situation I’m in at the moment.  For example, right now I’m hearing “Stop in the Name of Love.”  It must be time to wrap this up.

I guess if there must be a point to all of this it’s that things aren’t always as they appear and even when they are, just laugh.  You will build a closer bond with those who laugh with you and for those who laugh at you, well, just be glad that you’re stains are only on the outside.  Man, again with the depressing thought.  I can’t end that way… Here’s another song, “Don’t Take the Girl”, wait… no this one, “Mama’s in the Graveyard, Papa’s in the Pen”… Oh dear, I really need to quit listening to country music!