Myriads of Nothing

What do you see when you close your eyes?  If you tend to be a smart mouth, like me, then you just answered "nothing" and, like me, you would be wrong.  (It takes a rare kind of honesty to admit that you've just answered your own question incorrectly.)  It's impossible to see 'nothing' because if you are seeing 'something' and calling it 'nothing' then it obviously isn't 'nothing', is it?

The word "nothing" is probably one of the most inappropriately used words out there.  Second only to myriad.  For the record myriad is an adjective, not a noun.  You don't have a myriad of something, rather you have myriad somethings.  Unfortunately the dictionary writers are more interested in catering to public opinion than in preserving language and therefore they have decided that 'myriad' can be used in whatever way is convenient.  Noun, adverb, adjective, preposition, conjunction... it really doesn't matter!  I don't know why it bothers me so much, we all have our pet peeves right?

What were we talking about again?  Oh yeah, nothing.  If you think about it the right way, which is my way, then it becomes obvious that there is no such thing as nothing.  It's sort of like tomorrow, as soon as it comes it's called today, so tomorrow doesn't really exist either.

So when somebody asks what you are doing and you reply "nothing" then you are lying unabashedly to them because in the very act of replying you are most definitely doing something.  The proper, and most honest response would be that you are currently replying to their unsolicited query into your present actions.  That should stop the conversation dead in its tracks.

Here's another example.  Let's say you have just finished drinking a cup of your favorite beverage and someone asks "hey, what's in that cup?"  You might reply, "nothing."  Again, not true.  The correct response would be that there are a few drops of beverage, a little saliva and a mixture of Oxygen, Carbon Dioxide, Nitrogen and a few other trace elements.  Clearly not 'nothing'!

If you need more examples I've got them.  My head is jam packed full of examples about nothing.  In fact, nothing is what I think about for most of the day.  I've tried hard to do nothing in the past, but I always end up doing something instead.  In fact I'm trying to do nothing at this very moment... it's still not working.

Like UFO's and Puff the Magic Dragon sightings, documented instances of nothing happening are very few and of dubious origin.  However, I recently heard a publicized report of a documented nothing occurrence which has shaken my convictions about the existence of nothing.  An inexplicable non-event that has been widely recognized and seems to prove that 'nothing' may in fact exist.  Even in the act of describing the phenomenon, it can still logically be described as 'nothing'.

So, what was this non-happening?  Believe it or not, it involves none other than the President of these United States.  Apparently, according to trusted sources, he was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for doing... you guessed it... absolutely nothing!  I can't explain it, but there it is.  Seemingly irrefutable proof that nothing exists.  Just saying that is a little disconcerting.

I still hold that in most cases nothing is used improperly.  However, when the President does nothing, it can apparently have a significant impact on our lives and peace.  So, hopefully he will keep on doing nothing in the world so that we can all have peace.

Well, I have nothing else to say, which is this:  My myriad went myriadingly along the myriad path until he came to an intersection with myriad directions, so he myriad the myriad all the way home.  Wow, that was liberating like nothing else!