The Best Laid Plans

There’s no shame in seeing the glass half empty. A little realism could absolutely benefit some folks. I mean really, what good does it do to skirt about the truth with a bunch of pointless optimism? It doesn’t accomplish anything except to delay finding a resolution to the deficit of water in the glass. What, you thought the glass was a metaphor? No were just talking about a glass of water here. Get your head out of the clouds Socrates!

Why is it called pessimism anyway, and what makes it optimistic to say that the glass is half full? As if recognizing unfulfilled capacity is somehow flattering and positive. If the glass were simply half its current volume then everything would be hunky-dory because it would be filled to capacity and the argument would be over. So wouldn’t it be just as appropriate to point out that the capacity of the glass is exactly double the amount of available water to be put in it? What a waste of precious materials! I digress.

Back to the point at hand, what to do about the ever egregious deficit of water in the glass? It seems that if this problem could be solved then much of life’s troubles would be ended. It happens every day in countless conversations. Case in point, while having an argument, a wife might point out to her husband that he “always sees the glass half empty”, when the argument was actually over finances or politics or children or some other unrelated subject. Think of how many marriages could be saved if we could just fill the glass!

So let’s get down to the root of the problem. First we must assume that there is sufficient water in existence to fill the glass, after all nobody has specifically designated the actual volume of said container. Well then, for all posterity I now proclaim that the inside volume of “the glass” is exactly 0.5 liters. We’ll use SI units, or liters, instead of gallons as these are the accepted norm when establishing international standards. Therefore, knowing full well that there are at least 0.25 liters of available water in the world it can be established that the glass can indeed be filled to capacity. The difficulty arises in making sure that the 0.25 liters used to fully replenish the glass are not the same 0.25 liters that are currently in the glass. Only when using resource conservation rhetoric does this actually fill the glass to capacity, otherwise the status of the liquid level in the glass will remain unchanged.

In reality filling the glass could conceivably require an Act of Congress as is the case with most water transfers. Both the Bureau of Reclamation and the Army Corps of Engineers would love to claim the prize of filling the glass, the problem is the scale. It just isn’t big enough. So naturally we will have to enlarge the scope of the project in order to bring enough congressional leaders on board. The water should come from an area with surplus water resources such as Oregon or Washington, west of the Cascade range. This particular area of the country is chuck full of ideological people who love to embrace a cause. They will dearly want to be part of solving one of the greatest dilemmas afflicting mankind and they know how to mobilize political leaders. Not to mention that every significant event should include at least one person wearing wool socks and sandals.

A large pipeline would then need to be built to transfer the water from its point of origin to the location of the glass. Where is the glass, you ask? Well it should be obvious that the filling of the glass would be located at the happiest place on earth. Disneyland! This will aid in getting the southern Californian congressional delegation on board, after all, they’ve been trying to get water from the northwest for years. The pipeline can be built along the coastline which will require no pumping because anybody who looks at a map can tell you that California is below Washington and Oregon. Besides, even if there were a small pumping requirement, there is more than enough green energy generated by the pixies in the coastal forests to satisfy the requirement.

Unions will want to be involved in the effort as well. They will insist that even the lowliest position be filled by organized labor groups. To that affect, the diameter of the pipeline must be at least the height of an average sized human in order to accommodate the worker who is carrying 0.25 liters of water from Seattle to Los Angeles. Anything smaller would violate OSHA regulations for proper ergonomics in the workplace.

It is true that this idea has once before gained traction at a national level. It was decided in the early 1970’s that the glass would be secretly filled from a tap at the Democratic National Committee headquarters. Unfortunately some news reporters caused a leak and the whole operation failed, to the embarrassment of all who were involved. The Republicans eventually took the entire blame leading to the resignation of the President, even though it clearly took place in a building owned by the Democrats. Ever heard of Watergate?

We must learn from the past and not be covert in our actions this time. This should be an event to be remembered and commemorated for centuries. The date should be carefully chosen as a day that represents the magnitude of the endeavor. Only July 4 could be appropriate for such an occasion. Not only is July 4 the celebration of our independence from oppressive ideas, such as the perpetually half empty/full glass of water, but it also signifies birth, as in the birth of our nation. Birth, after all, is the original act of every human being in breaking the watery barrier which constrains us.

The plan is in place, the date set, all that is left is to set events in motion. Take a stand for liberty and join in the effort my friend. Be a part of history and help make this happen. I’m sure you’ll never look at a glass of water the same way and every sip you take will haunt you if you let this opportunity pass you by.

Or we could just dump out the water and throw the glass in the trash. Hmm…nevermind.