Why Is It Always About Me?

Back in my college days, one of my favorite meals consisted of mixing mac n' cheese, tuna fish and cream of mushroom soup. A plate full of this fine cuisine, along with a hefty helping of mustard pickles, and I was a happy camper. To be honest I'd like some right now. Contrary to what this savory delight might imply, I was not studying the culinary arts. I ate my fair share of Top Ramen just like everybody else, but sometimes I got a little creative. It doesn't happen much anymore though, not since my wife threatened to padlock the cabinets. But she hasn't been able to stop me from having my bowl of peaches with a big scoop of chunky peanut butter.

I used to think there was something wrong with me when other people didn't like the same things I liked. I wanted to blend in, not stick out. I wanted to be accepted by others. Who am I kidding, I still feel that way. The way I behave is largely determined by my surroundings and whatever is expected of me. I'm like a social chameleon. I'm pretty sure all of us are that way to a certain extent. But every once in a while there is somebody who breaks the mold.

A friend of mine, we'll call him "Reff" (á la Scooby Doo), recently went to a popular local mall where he sat himself in the outside courtyard, pulled out his guitar and busted out some tunes. Not for any specific reason, he just wanted to do it. Now to me that just doesn't compute. First of all, he hadn't been invited there to play music and, on top of that, he was doing something very different from everybody else. If you can imagine social behavior as a stream of water then he was most definitely swimming against the current. This makes alarms go off in the 'proper behavior' sector of my brain and everything goes into crisis mode. Lights start flashing and I start searching for a bunker to hide in.

So Reff plays a couple of songs and then a security guard shows up. Public recognition that what he was doing was out of the ordinary. To me, there is nothing more terrifying! The alarms are still sounding in my brain as I imagine the situation. The guard politely asks him to leave and I'm thinking, okay, this is where all propriety returns and I can climb out of my bunker. Wrong! Back in the bunker I go. He starts trying to convince the guard to let him keep playing! The guard refuses but Reff still isn't giving up. "What about one more song?", he asks.

Huh!?! The audacity of some people!

Again the guard refuses, so he casually packs up his guitar and leaves. He wasn't angry, I'm pretty sure Reff has never experienced anger in his life, he just went on his way.

So how is it that some people have the gift of behaving out of the ordinary, without regard for anybodies opinion? How do you survive without society's acceptance? I think I stumbled upon the answer a few years ago when I was a missionary. I know what you're thinking "how could this social coward have ever been a missionary?" Well I was.

I've always been overly sensitive to what others think of me. I had lots of good friends growing up but I wouldn't say that I was very popular. I just didn't fit the 'popular' mold. When I was a missionary I still harbored some of those insecurities, but mission presidents don't take that into account when they assign you to a companionship. All of my companions were quite popular in the mission. Everybody knew them and liked them. I felt very insignificant compared to them, not because of anything they did to me, that's just how I felt.

Right here I should interject that in elementary school I was often brutally beaten by little girls. That should explain a lot.

By the way, in case you aren't familiar with LDS missionaries, they always travel in packs of two, known as a companionship. Sometimes it's three, occasionally four, seldom five and almost never six. Unless it's a donut run after district meeting. But, if you ever see seven of them crammed into a Mazda 626 sedan, then you can be assured that there is one more in the trunk. That would be me.

So I observed how these companions behaved around other people. They seemed comfortable in almost any situation. Unlike me, they didn't feel looked down upon, rather they were accepted as equals by their peers. What was wrong with me? Finally one day it hit me; they don't have to be accepted as equals by their peers because they have already accepted their peers as equals. I had been looking at the whole situation backwards. I was waiting for an invitation to be part of the crowd when I should have been inviting the crowd to be part of me. Does that make any sense?

I'd like to say that since having this epiphany I've never felt insecure again, but old habits endure. At least now I know how people, like my friend Reff, can go so unabashedly against the grain without succumbing to insecurity. Still, between him and the security guard, I would rather have been the guard in that situation. Actually, I would rather have been the passerby, pretending not to notice what was going on, but giggling like a bully school girl on the inside.

Home Is Where You Hang Your Rope

A friend, who I grew up with back in Idaho, recently asked me, "why are so many Californians moving to Idaho?" You must understand that, where I grew up, the word 'Californian' is used as an adjective instead of a noun. (A noun is a person, place or thing while an adjective describes a noun. Just a quick refresher on parts of speech, for those of you who haven't pulled out the Mad Libs in a while. No charge.) Back home the word 'Californian' is somewhat synonymous with the words "intolerable" or "meddlesome". Naturally this is the reason, as explained to me by my government teacher, that there are so many so called "Californian" legislators in the US Congress. There is even some disagreement as to whether California is actually a state in the sense of a geographic area or if it is more like a state of denial or a state of confusion. We still capitalize the word for the same reason we still put a 'k' in front of the word 'know'. It doesn't really have a purpose we are just too lazy to change it.

It may be obvious at this point that I have no idea how to properly use the ' and the " symbols. I know that you are supposed to use the " symbol when you are directly quoting someone or when you are referencing a title or when you need Bozo the Clown hair for your new emoticon.

""(°0°)""

Beyond that I'm pretty much clueless. I just throw one in now and then for dramatic affect. Besides, where I grew up, Grammar was just the old gal that married Grampa all those years ago.

Please don't get me wrong, I mean, there could never be a better place to grow up than where I did. I loved it and I often wish I could go back so that my kids could grow up there too. But you see, I live in California now. So, although I may deny it, I'm somewhat confused. Should I stick to my roots and hold on to the dream that, someday, California will fall into the ocean? Or should I embrace my new home and try to set aside old prejudices? I have found, after all, that there are many Californians who just don't fit the Californian description that I once thought to be universal.

I guess that brings us back the the original question; why are so many Californians moving to Idaho? Is there something terribly wrong with California that makes them want to leave? Is it because Idaho offers the next untamed wilderness to be exploited by over regulation, misplaced values and underproduction? No, it doesn't have anything to do with California, or Idaho. The reason they are leaving is very simple, it's because it gets them one step closer to their ultimate destination... North Dakota! Clean air, no people and close enough to Canada that you can hear the Caribou stampeding, eh! Since moving down here I've learned that countless Californians secretly dream of living in North Dakota. They're just too ashamed to admit it. Why would they be ashamed? Well... wouldn't you be?

It just so happens that North Dakota is leading the way towards legalizing the growing of Hemp as an agricultural product. Hemp has an amazingly broad range of uses. Hemp ropes, for example, have been used for centuries. They don't seem to last long though, perhaps due to the traditional burning of the rope after each use. It's an odd tradition and nobody knows where it came from, but everybody loves it! Growing Hemp has of course been discouraged because of its party prone cannabis cousin. However, there are many who still promote its merits as a food and fiber crop with diverse, shall we say, benefits. Canada has been growing it for years and see the wondrous results from that country, eh. Californians from all walks of life are drawn to such free thinking.

So don't worry Idaho, the Californians won't stay long. North Dakota is calling to them and literally roping them in. You can't stop the migration so just try to enjoy it. If you watch carefully you might even catch a glimpse of a real life Idacalifornigonian like myself. Be kind to them while they are there, but remember to keep your distance and whatever you do don't feed them! They tend to have ravenous appetites, so you don't want one to cozy up and hang around your place too long.

Of Time and Space

Waiting... Waiting... I'm just not made for waiting. I'm part of the generation that doesn't have to wait. We have everything at our fingertips. Waiting is for museums. They like to wait. Moments frozen in time, waiting until this world comes around full circle and the past once again becomes the present.

It seems funny that we are so fascinated with the past while at the same time we can't wait for the future to come. What is it about the present that we don't like? Why can't we sit still in the moment and enjoy what is happening right now? I don't think we do it on purpose. Keeping your focus on the present is sort of like trying to balance on top of a log in the water. You might be able to do it for a short time but as it begins to roll you will eventually fall into the water. Just as gravity pulls you from the log, so too will anxiety drag you from the present into the hopeful anticipation of the future or the known outcome of the past.

At times I'll be in a place and I'll think to myself "this instant, that is so real to me right now, will soon just be a memory in the past." I can remember this thought coming to me on several occasions. It usually happens to me at times that are special like going to Disneyland. In fact it was on the Winnie the Pooh ride at Disneyland coming around the last corner before you leave the tunnel, but that's not important.

It also happened to me on a recent trip to Idaho to visit family. As I was pulling away to leave, I sat for a moment in my parents driveway and really drank in my surroundings. The scenes that had been part of my every day life growing up were all there in front of me, reminders of times and places that are now a thousand miles away and many years in the past. How is it that all I wanted when I was younger was to get to the future and now that I'm in the future I would give almost anything to get back to the past. Being in the present has never been part of the plan and frankly it still isn't. Of course there is nothing I would change about my life right now, I would just like to transfer it either backward or forward in time.

Living in the present is tough. Imagine you're driving down a road that is lined with trees. If you keep your eyes fixed on one spot then all the trees go by in a blur and it's hard to distinguish between them. Whereas, if you turn your head to follow each tree then you get more detail but, if you're like me, you also get sick to your stomach. Living in the present is kind of like watching the trees. If you live life with undeviating focus then you might miss some important detail in the flurry of situations constantly coming towards you. However if you try to focus on each situation as it comes then the gastric juices of your psyche may begin to gurgle with the distress of ever changing circumstances. Isn't that a pleasant picture?

Come to think of it, it may be impossible to actually live in the present. By the time you process the information around you it is already in the past and you are already anticipating the next moment in the future. So does the present even exist? Maybe its like the beginning of a circle. It can be where ever you want it to be. Oooh I smell the makings of a sci-fi novel. Nah, it's probably already been done.

Well this has been fun and all, but I'm not sure what we've accomplished nor am I positive where this is going. I guess if this discussion has no past and no future then maybe it does have a present. Oh my, I've found the present! Aw dang, there it went.

The Best Laid Plans

There’s no shame in seeing the glass half empty. A little realism could absolutely benefit some folks. I mean really, what good does it do to skirt about the truth with a bunch of pointless optimism? It doesn’t accomplish anything except to delay finding a resolution to the deficit of water in the glass. What, you thought the glass was a metaphor? No were just talking about a glass of water here. Get your head out of the clouds Socrates!

Why is it called pessimism anyway, and what makes it optimistic to say that the glass is half full? As if recognizing unfulfilled capacity is somehow flattering and positive. If the glass were simply half its current volume then everything would be hunky-dory because it would be filled to capacity and the argument would be over. So wouldn’t it be just as appropriate to point out that the capacity of the glass is exactly double the amount of available water to be put in it? What a waste of precious materials! I digress.

Back to the point at hand, what to do about the ever egregious deficit of water in the glass? It seems that if this problem could be solved then much of life’s troubles would be ended. It happens every day in countless conversations. Case in point, while having an argument, a wife might point out to her husband that he “always sees the glass half empty”, when the argument was actually over finances or politics or children or some other unrelated subject. Think of how many marriages could be saved if we could just fill the glass!

So let’s get down to the root of the problem. First we must assume that there is sufficient water in existence to fill the glass, after all nobody has specifically designated the actual volume of said container. Well then, for all posterity I now proclaim that the inside volume of “the glass” is exactly 0.5 liters. We’ll use SI units, or liters, instead of gallons as these are the accepted norm when establishing international standards. Therefore, knowing full well that there are at least 0.25 liters of available water in the world it can be established that the glass can indeed be filled to capacity. The difficulty arises in making sure that the 0.25 liters used to fully replenish the glass are not the same 0.25 liters that are currently in the glass. Only when using resource conservation rhetoric does this actually fill the glass to capacity, otherwise the status of the liquid level in the glass will remain unchanged.

In reality filling the glass could conceivably require an Act of Congress as is the case with most water transfers. Both the Bureau of Reclamation and the Army Corps of Engineers would love to claim the prize of filling the glass, the problem is the scale. It just isn’t big enough. So naturally we will have to enlarge the scope of the project in order to bring enough congressional leaders on board. The water should come from an area with surplus water resources such as Oregon or Washington, west of the Cascade range. This particular area of the country is chuck full of ideological people who love to embrace a cause. They will dearly want to be part of solving one of the greatest dilemmas afflicting mankind and they know how to mobilize political leaders. Not to mention that every significant event should include at least one person wearing wool socks and sandals.

A large pipeline would then need to be built to transfer the water from its point of origin to the location of the glass. Where is the glass, you ask? Well it should be obvious that the filling of the glass would be located at the happiest place on earth. Disneyland! This will aid in getting the southern Californian congressional delegation on board, after all, they’ve been trying to get water from the northwest for years. The pipeline can be built along the coastline which will require no pumping because anybody who looks at a map can tell you that California is below Washington and Oregon. Besides, even if there were a small pumping requirement, there is more than enough green energy generated by the pixies in the coastal forests to satisfy the requirement.

Unions will want to be involved in the effort as well. They will insist that even the lowliest position be filled by organized labor groups. To that affect, the diameter of the pipeline must be at least the height of an average sized human in order to accommodate the worker who is carrying 0.25 liters of water from Seattle to Los Angeles. Anything smaller would violate OSHA regulations for proper ergonomics in the workplace.

It is true that this idea has once before gained traction at a national level. It was decided in the early 1970’s that the glass would be secretly filled from a tap at the Democratic National Committee headquarters. Unfortunately some news reporters caused a leak and the whole operation failed, to the embarrassment of all who were involved. The Republicans eventually took the entire blame leading to the resignation of the President, even though it clearly took place in a building owned by the Democrats. Ever heard of Watergate?

We must learn from the past and not be covert in our actions this time. This should be an event to be remembered and commemorated for centuries. The date should be carefully chosen as a day that represents the magnitude of the endeavor. Only July 4 could be appropriate for such an occasion. Not only is July 4 the celebration of our independence from oppressive ideas, such as the perpetually half empty/full glass of water, but it also signifies birth, as in the birth of our nation. Birth, after all, is the original act of every human being in breaking the watery barrier which constrains us.

The plan is in place, the date set, all that is left is to set events in motion. Take a stand for liberty and join in the effort my friend. Be a part of history and help make this happen. I’m sure you’ll never look at a glass of water the same way and every sip you take will haunt you if you let this opportunity pass you by.

Or we could just dump out the water and throw the glass in the trash. Hmm…nevermind.

And Workin' Overtime

The phrase "taking care of business" has many different connotations. It can refer to methodically achieving individual objectives on the way to an overall goal. It can also refer to activities which may be less than appealing but must be done due to some constraint, be it real or only perceived. When we take care of business we throw aside all feelings and do things that may be uncomfortable to ourselves and to others simply because they must be done.

So what's the deal with that? Why do we have to take care of business? I blame it on the capitalists! Obviously we wouldn't have to take care of business if it weren't for folks who encourage business in the first place. If it weren't for capitalists then I would never have to annoy the other cars as I "take care of business" and merge onto the freeway because there wouldn't be any cars driving to begin with, nor would there be a freeway. How simple is that? Let's examine this a little bit further, shall we?

When I take care of business I am fulfilling certain obligations. Again, capitalism at its finest. Obligations are nothing more than the overbearing initiatives of folks who, for whatever reason, don't know how to chill out. They feel a constant need to progress and transform what they have into something better. No, not me, I just want things to stay the same. In fact a little regression couldn't hurt. Let's try taking a step backwards for a change. Instead of a more efficient shower head let's turn that sucker into Niagara Falls. I think we could really do with some hotter burning, dimmer light bulbs instead of those new bulbs that flicker for half an hour when you turn on the switch. Now that I only change my light bulbs once per millennium, I just don't get any exercise anymore. Speaking of exercise (which is much funner than actually doing it) since when do we need a mountain of bars, cables, pulleys and ghastly over sized iron weights just to get fit. Simply take away the tractor and hitch up the oxen. That'll do the job.

Taking care of business can sometimes mean hurting people that you care about. At any other time poking numerous needles into a small child would be considered heinous abuse, however, when we "take care of business" and get our small ones immunized it is considered lofty and wise. What a crock! Sometimes telling the truth can cause emotional pain in others. Don't tell me this can't be helped. The capitalists are at it again! They just have to inform you that your clothes are too 'last year' or your hair is too brown/blond/red/beige/gone. The truth drives you to change what seemed to work so perfectly before.

Now I suppose that some might point out what wonderful things have been accomplished by capitalists who were taking care of business. They like to show off the diseases that have been wiped out and the comforts that we now have like indoor plumbing and George Foreman grills etc. Blah blah blah... Did anyone ever stop to think that disease might have its place? Why if it weren't for immunizations I might have been eliminated by some terrible flesh eating disease as a child and you wouldn't have to be wasting your time reading this.

So to wrap this up, let me take care of a little business. I'm sure I've hurt people that I care deeply about just by doing what I'm supposed to do. Which may, or may not, have been a direct result of doing something that I wasn't supposed to do. Do you follow me? While I take full responsibility for my actions, still I wonder if things would have been different if it hadn't been for ... the capitalists!

In Honor of ...

Well it's that time of year again. The one day of the year when the most neglected person in our society is able to shine and get the recognition that they so rightfully deserve. The day that we no longer take for granted the one who resolves all our problems and keeps peace in our homes. That's right, I'm talking about the florist.

You thought I meant somebody else? Well of course I know it's Mother's Day, I'm simply trying to give credit where credit is due. Okay before every mom who reads this starts throwing things at me, again, let me clarify. Every Mother's Day we fall all over ourselves trying to please Mom. We make her breakfast in bed, we do all of her chores, we give her gifts and we basically let her rule for the day. Then everything gets reversed for the other 364 days of the year. Is this really the best we can do? Not to rock the boat or anything, I mean I understand this scheme has worked so far, so why change a good thing right?

Well there's just this; Rarely before has a gift so precious been purchased for so little. It seems almost too good to be true. One day of mediocre effort gets you an entire years worth of bounteous rewards. One smile or a simple compliment can yield long lasting benefits. A bouquet of flowers can sweeten the most bitter strife. This is the person who for nine months bears untold discomforts just to bring a new child into this world only to have the real agony start once the child is born. She, day in and day out, makes life more livable and creates a heavenly place in our homes. For all this we can only muster in return a tiny fraction of what she has already given us in abundance. It just doesn't seem right and it's almost embarrassing to even try to find the gift or kind word or service that can even remotely measure up to her worth.

The scenario is keenly reminiscent of another relationship. A Heavenly Father who receives only a trifle in return for so much. From Him we receive all and we give next to nothing. We are made in His image and it seems only fitting that fathers emulate His physical appearance while mothers reflect His heavenly attributes.

Oh, by the way, this means you (assuming, of course, that you are a mom)! The one reading right now who is saying "that's an ideal I just can't live up to." Bogus! Perfection doesn't look like an immaculate home where nothing is ever out of place. Its not manifest in children who are utterly polite and behave with impeccable manners. In that regard why would an earthly mother be expected to garner more favorable results than an omnipotent Heavenly Parent. Goodness knows His children aren't always polite. The perfect mom is not the one who hungers with every waking moment to be ready at the beckoning of whomever comes to call. That mom is contrived and robotic and really not very fun.

No, the perfect mom has bad days. Sometimes her home wouldn't make the cover of Better Homes and Gardens. Sometimes her kids are rude to her. Sometimes she's rude right back. Some days she doesn't necessarily want to be a mom and she regrets the fateful day when "that man" first took her hand. She gets depressed and flustered and while everyone thinks she's got the master plan in hand, she's actually just winging it. All of the added attention and praise on Mother's Day just makes her feel more inadequate. That's what makes her perfect. Because against all odds and despite the tragic, euphoric, sad, joyous, helpless and triumphant day to day, she keeps battling on. Don't believe me? You didn't give up yet did you?

So here's to the florist for a job well done. Without you there would be fewer happy marriages and more cozy doghouses. As for Mothers... I hope you enjoy your breakfast and please kick up your feet while we pamper you for the day and shower you with gifts. Like I said, it's worked so far, so why change it. I may be sentimental but I'm not stupid.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!!!

Imagine If You Will

In life there are tough choices. Who to marry? What career to choose? White or wheat bread? All choices come with consequences and responsibilities. The more choices made, the more responsibility is borne. That's why it is important to remain aloof whenever possible. Stay out of the mix and you'll never have to worry about heavy responsibility being placed upon your shoulders. Of course a person with no responsibilities will never know the satisfaction of a job well done, but that's the price of a fail proof life. Besides, satisfaction only builds confidence to accept more responsibility. It's like a death spiral! It's better to keep to the sidelines and avoid direct involvement.

There is nothing cowardly in ducking responsibility. In fact it has a certain sense of nobility. It shows that you don't require the respect and admiration of anyone to keep you going. Zero responsibility is the true sign of the maverick and a beacon of hope to failures everywhere. There could be nothing more refreshing than to wake up in the morning utterly alone and with nobody depending on you to do anything.

The funny thing is that we are the only creatures in the world who have this unique ability to shrug off responsibility. Plants, animals and insects all follow pre-programmed behaviors, or instincts. They do their jobs without a second thought because they have no concept of any other way of life. Animal parents will care for their young simply because they don't know any different and they will continue to bear young without regard for what socio-economic impact their offspring will have on the greater animal kingdom. They simply take on the task of rearing a posterity limited only by the short lifespan allotted to them. Oh if only we could liberate these poor helpless creatures with the imagination to conceive of a different course of action. Instinctive behavior would no longer burden their lives, rather they would have the choice of doing as they please. They could organize themselves, as people have done, into groups aimed at eliminating responsibility from their lives. They could lobby their governing bodies to eliminate any overt social pressures to comply with the norm, which everyone knows may bring on punishing self loathing and pangs of guilt.

What great joy would come when nothing in the world followed it's prescribed course but instead followed the fancy that came with every fleeting moment. As one ponders the wondrous consequences that would come from such a state of affairs, it becomes apparent that there may be some animals which have already reached this enlightenment. Could it be that our endangered species, as we call them, are simply tired of the same old way of life. Maybe they just don't want the burden of small children or the grief of teenagers. Salmon runs aren't really going extinct, they're just too busy partying to worry about spawning.

So give a fish brother a break and just let it go man! Free yourself of heavy burdens and shirk the ever present list of endless responsibilities. Besides, at the end of it all both the underachiever and the task driven man are dead alike and they both return to the same stuff. We can't all be the President of the United States but we can all laugh in the face of boring societal expectations. Que será, será, unless there is something after this life. In which case you didn't hear any of this from me because I was busy serving soup at the homeless shelter and providing ample care to those for whom I have happily taken full responsibility.

It's My Life

A few years ago, in a Calculus class, I had a thought. Having had only a few thoughts since then I’ve hung on to it as one would hold on to a picture of a loved one long since passed away. At that time my class was learning about partial derivatives. A partial derivative is a process which isolates a specific variable out of an equation in order to evaluate that variable’s relative influence on the overall equation. It’s somewhat similar to eliminating one ingredient from a recipe. That ingredient will have some influence, whether great or small, on the final product and by removing it you may be able to determine what that influence is.

Now as I sat pondering this concept it occurred to me that my life is something like an equation with an infinite number of variables. Infinite for now, but ultimately I will also go the way of all the earth, assuming that my body follows natural laws, and then my variables will end. So here’s my theory, if I could only define all of the variables in my life then I could, with reasonable accuracy, isolate each variable and determine my future. Right? Well not exactly, because you see I interact with other people upon occasion and they also have an impact on my equation, I mean my life, and they also have a nearly infinite number of variables in their own equations. So I thought to myself, if I could only define every existing variable in the universe then I could somewhat accurately predict the future. (At this point it should be fairly obvious why I tend to have thoughts only on the rarest of occasions. It’s really better off for everyone that I should remain in a somewhat incognizant state.)

Keeping my theory in mind, as I’ve learned about natural laws I’ve happily found that our physical universe behaves quite well, following predictable patterns that can conveniently be described by equations. That’s how we put rocket ships into space and make satellites orbit the earth. Equations are also used to create medicines that can treat everything from insomnia to diarrhea. It’s funny how those two afflictions often coincide.

This must be omniscience, I reasoned to myself, to be able to clearly define all the variables and put them into an orderly equation. I’ll call it the life equation, although in some scientific circles I believe this idea is called the theory of everything. Naturally I won’t call it that because I’m not allowed anywhere near any scientific circles. Of course the life equation is nothing that any mere mortal could ever discover because obviously our own variables are infinite until we die and hence we could never accurately define them all. Besides, after death the rules are different and I’m pretty sure salt won’t be bad for me anymore so that changes everything.

The only problem with this concept is that it implies a certain predestined future based on the life equation. To me, the idea of predestination is inherently evil as it takes away the only thing that I can have ultimate control of in this world, that being my will. I can have influence on many things, but my will is my own, unless I give it up, and I will not easily give up my only true possession in this world. Admittedly, at times, it may seem desirable to give up my will for a predictable future, especially if that future appears to be closely in line with my own aspirations. Yet I’ve noticed that my aspirations change as I gain experience and I learn to distinguish what the truly significant things are from those things which are only shiny mirages. I shudder at the thought of reaching the end of this life at a predetermined point, regardless of my own independent actions, because I am simply the product of predictable surroundings.

However, I recently heard an address from a physicist regarding the very ideas I have just described. I take special note when smart people talk about the things that I think about because it gives me hope that I’m not completely off my rocker. This physicist described the idea of uncertainty and how it plays into the life equation, as I call it. I’ve heard of uncertainty before and as I understand it it means that you can never accurately measure all aspects of really small, fast moving objects such as electrons or children. For example if you stop an electron you can measure its position but not its speed and when it is moving you may be able to determine its speed but not its position.

Now this physicist went on to describe that while the movements of big things like orbiting planets or hurled pumpkins are highly predictable, little things like the tiny neurons discharging in our brains that produce thoughts are somewhat unpredictable and therefore difficult to predetermine. So my thoughts may be random but the actions and reactions resulting from those thoughts are predictable.

I don't strictly have to behave reactively to outside stimuli. Even though my thoughts are as random as they come, I still have the choice about acting on those thoughts. I don't, however, have a choice in what the consequences will be for those choices. I can choose whether or not to jump off a cliff but I cannot choose whether to accelerate towards the earth if the decision is to jump.

The bottom line is that the future is not set in stone and my will remains my own. Math and physics say so. It’s exhilarating to think that I am an independent being and my choices determine my own destiny. I feel like I’ve reached a milestone in my life’s journey, sort of like I was destined to come to this understanding. It must be déjà vu.

Slim Chants

So what is it with chanting? Why do some people feel invigorated by repeating the same phrase over and over again using their outside voices? I’ve thought deeply about this because whenever I hear a chant my skin seems to turn inside out and I want to curl up in a ball far away in a happy, silent, place. What would bring on this reaction? Is there a medication for it? Should I write my congressman to lobby for anti-chanting legislation? No, I can’t make it political because how do you demonstrate against chanting without, well, chanting? (So far I’ve asked five questions and made only one statement. Does that sound like someone who is well? AAHH, there I go again with the questions.)

So, here is my theory about chanting. It boils down to resonance. Here’s a quick physics lesson, no charge. Resonance is the science of waves moving up and down at an optimal rate where the maximum output can be produced with a minimal input. It has to do with momentum. Am I digging myself deeper? Hmm, let’s try this. I’m sure everyone has sat in a bathtub and sloshed the water back and forth at a regular rhythm. If you get it sloshing just right then pretty soon you can get water splashing all over the bathroom with just a small movement back and forth. Please tell me I’m not the only person who has ever done this. Anyway, the bathtub super sloshing is an example of resonance. Another example is a pogo stick. Personally I’ve never bounced on a pogo stick, that’s right never, I guess I was too busy sloshing in the tub, but I’ve seen it done at least a couple of times. When you start out on a pogo stick it takes a great deal of effort to get it bouncing but once you can use your downward momentum to help with your next bounce then you can keep it bouncing with a relatively little effort. If you still don’t follow me then . . . well . . . read the paragraph again.

Okay so, now that we all understand resonance in detail let me explain what it has to do with . . . uhm . . . what were we talking about again? Oh yea, chanting. When a chant is initiated it is usually in an effort to maximize a vocal affect by coordinating the combined efforts of a group of people. If a group of protesters want to make a point, they start a chant. When a crowd wants to pass on enthusiasm to team members at a sporting event, they start a chant. When my kids want anything, they start a chant. I’m sure the connection between resonance and chanting is becoming crystal clear, however I’m really hoping to drive the point home now.

As the chant is initiated (neck hairs bristling just thinking about it) it usually starts out small and the initiators have to apply a significant effort to get it going. Once others join in, then the energy of the chant can be increased substantially with only a relatively small effort from each individual. People often do this for the thrill of being a part of something energetic and powerful. Well it just so happens that’s the same reason I sloshed water in the bathtub! The problem with a chant is that people can get very excited in the moment and act irrationally, at the whim of whoever is leading the chanting. At least when I sloshed I only got the bathroom wet. When somebody starts a chant the next thing you know there is law being passed that will prohibit personal watercraft from the moon because they might upset the “man”. (I’ve always assumed that when the flower power gang spoke about “the man” that they were referring to the man in the moon. It seems logical to me and I’m sure there were many of that generation who were personally acquainted with the man in the moon and visited with him upon occasion.)

Based on my chanting – resonance theory it would appear that physics and psychology have more in common than simply using the letter ‘y’ as a vowel instead of a consonant, so maybe the same solutions will apply to both. The way resonance is overcome in physics is to absorb some of the energy at a key moment. For example, the pogo stick is stopped by absorbing the bounce with your knees and the super slosh is stopped by showering instead of bathing. Maybe if I chant out of sequence and at a much louder volume than everybody else I can bring it to a stop. Suddenly I don’t feel so powerless against the most obnoxious social activity known to man. So I must learn to fight fire with fire but for those of you who enjoy getting your juices flowing with a good chant, might I suggest a pogo stick.

Correct Me If I'm Wrong, But I'm Not

We are all acquainted with the know-it-all type. In fact you may be a know-it-all yourself, in which case you already know what I’m going to say and therefore you have no need to continue reading.

If you're still reading then you obviously aren't a know-it-all. You're welcome to use this foolproof psycho-analysis any time you like.

So what is it about a know-it-all that is so annoying? Is it really fair to ostracize a person simply because they have an answer for everything? It seems like this is someone we would be glad to have around, yet almost invariably we gravitate away from this type of behavior. I suppose it's not the apparent omniscience that grates so, but rather the way that the bounteous knowledge is distributed.

There's the casual know-it-all who is infuriatingly correct all of the time even though your quite sure they've never even finished an entire book and they really couldn't care less if they're right or not. These are more often revered than shunned, however their apparent gift is always a point of jealousy and therefore must be ridiculed to shame on most occasions. That's just the way things are in this dog eat dog world.

Then there's the egomaniacal know-it-all. They believe they are right, even when they are obviously wrong, and they aggressively defend their position no matter how ludicrous it seems. With these it is rarely beneficial to argue unless you’re just in the mood for a good ruckus. It may sound cowardly but the best way to take care of this type of know-it-all is to point them on a collision course with a good old fashion bully. It will serve them both rights.

Of course there is the penitent know-it-all. This is the person who, while correcting you, will apologize incessantly. It’s no “I beg your pardon” either, no this is a full blown sobfest. You’d think they had just infected you with the plague after they turned your beloved pet into roadkill. It’s hard to say if the remorse is genuine. It may simply be a ploy to either cover up an inherent faux pas or an attempt to demonstrate that even amidst intense self depreciation they are still smarter than you. Either way it is quite offensive and difficult for even the most patient soul to tolerate. The best thing to do is to move on without acknowledging the incident. This way if they truly feel badly then you have shown them no ill will but if they have ulterior motives then you’ve denied them any satisfaction. It’s a win-win.

In defense of the know-it-all they often have no choice. You see they’re hypersensitive to some distinct knowledge base and when you inadvertently muddle your references it initiates a response that is almost overpowering. If they let you continue then who knows how far reaching the consequences might be. It’s like the butterfly who flaps his wings in Toledo and causes a 30 car pileup in San Francisco. (That was another test and if you know what I’m talking about then you failed. Feel free to use that one too!) They must either correct you or forget that you ever existed. Those are the only two options that will allow them to sleep at night.

Now you may have views that differ with mine, but deep down you know I’m right. And, while I’m truly sorry if I’ve corrected any misconceptions you may have harbored, in the end it doesn’t really matter to me anyway.

In the Eye of the Beholder

They say that "when one door closes another opens." They also say "don't count your chickens before they've hatched." So which is it? Are we allowed the presumption that life will bring endless opportunity, or must we assume that our only real prospects are those that are in hand? It's the classic dilemma of optimism versus realism. I, myself, tend to be neither optimistic nor realistic. I am simply a 'stic. Like the optimist, I enjoy a certain sense that things will somehow turn out alright in the end. Although like the realist, I also accept that in order for things to turn out alright, I may need to alter my definition of what "turning out alright" means. Sound perplexing? Not in the least! Like the glowbug, who's never glum because the sun shines out his bum, I have a regenerative sense of happiness, come what may. My life is a self fulfilling prophecy!

So how does one achieve such a liberating sense of self? Well, I suppose it is rather a gift of sorts. Being a ‘stic, like any other gift, has to be practiced and refined. I take great care each day to match my aspirations with the expected outcome of the day. Now I’ll admit this sounds more than a little bit flaky, but the same could be said about a gently falling snow, yet look how wonderful and enjoyable that can be. I digress. The point is, if you can’t control the arrow, then you’d better be able to move the target.

There is nothing wrong with modifying one's objectives. There are those of us, in fact, who would as of yet not be walking, talking or even toilet trained had we not adjusted our expectations at one point or another. The difference is that, as children, we can change our objectives without any sense of guilt. I've never heard of a toddler sitting on the potty and reading habit #2 of '7 Habits of Highly Effective People'. They couldn't care less about the true goal of making doo doo in the potty, rather their entire focus is set upon getting that promised treat, whatever it may be. If it takes an involuntary bodily action to get it, so be it.

To a child, a treat is everything, but it really doesn't matter what it is. What does a child do when told that they will get a treat? They don't stop to carefully analyze the pros and cons of each specific treat or check the 'treats recieved' database for reviews of past treats. No, they simply ask, "what is it?" Actually it sounds more like "oooooh what is it, what is it, what is it, tell me, tell me, tell me, what is it?" When the treat is finally revealed it instantly becomes the very essence of joy and satisfaction. That is as long as it isn't a fake treat like vegetables or medicine. This tactic rarely works more than once and is often only moderately successful even for the most ardent 'stic. Needless to say, it still works on me.

Now I know I’m not the only ‘stic in the world. In fact you yourself may be wondering if you possess certain ‘stic characteristics. For example, have you ever stood up after falling in a puddle and exclaimed, “I meant to do that”? Well you’re a ‘stic in the mud. Ever lowered the bar for yourself in a timed run? You’re a speed ‘stic. Perhaps you’ve been offended by a so called "friend" and declared that you’re better off without them. You’re a chap ‘stic. I like to dunk cookies in milk, and I especially like when the cookie breaks and falls to the bottom of the glass. You guessed it, I’m a dip ‘stic. I could go on listing but this seems like a good place to stop, so I’ll be a short ‘stic. However, I do have to add, if you like off-brand soda, well your just Fanta ‘stic.

All kidding aside, I do sometimes wish that I could set a firm goal and either succeed or fail without altering my expectations. I admire those who can do so. They seem to me as the very picture of stability, winding on an uncertain course, while all the while staying fixed on the prize. What better example of such determination could there be than Wiley Coyote? At risk of life and limb he is ever vigilant in pursuing his prey. Though the roadrunner may defy him or the sheepdog may pulverize him yet he pushes on. Not even when the roadrunner seemingly scoffs at the very laws of nature and physics does the coyote give up on his quest, never giving up and leaving no idea untested.

I can only dream of having that kind of perseverance, so dream is what I shall do because, to have dream is what I really wanted all along.

To Go Where the Brave Dare Not Go

I think I’m going crazy. Not in the traditional, involuntary, sense where one loses their grip on reality. No, I’m going crazy by choice. The other day, while driving, I noticed an individual who by all indications was homeless and appeared to be talking to himself rather energetically. Assuming this wasn’t yet another blue tooth misconception, then the man appeared to be quite delusional. As usual, my first reaction was of sympathy and pity for someone who has been given a much harder lot in life than my own. However, this time my feelings evolved into something much different. I was almost envious of the poor man. You see he has either never fully comprehended the world around him or he has devolved his psyche to the point of an utter escape from reality. This is an individual who apparently has no idea of his own dependence on society and therefore enjoys sovereignty usually reserved only for royalty.

I don’t mean to lessen the trials of those who are mentally challenged nor demean them for their disabilities. Still I had to ponder, what if a person could consciously abandon their sense of reality and willfully proclaim independence from the world. To be able to go to a place mentally where no outside influence can penetrate without my permission. This brings to mind the story of ‘The Man of La Mancha’. Like Don Quixote, I wish to choose my own adversaries and fight the windmill’s representation, whatever it may be. You know, to dream the impossible dream, to fight the unbeatable foe, etc. It’s not that I want to be able to predetermine my own future, I’ve been intimately connected with my own mind long enough to know that any imaginary future I might dream up would come as a complete surprise, especially to me. It would be like the ultimate video game experience, my own virtual reality, where anything can and will happen without true consequences of any sort. If I don't like the outcome then I just hit 'reset'.

In fact I sometimes wonder if this is actually the case. Did I, at some point in the past, lose my grip on reality and now I live in a world of my own making, deep in the recesses of my mind? I don’t spend much time pondering this possibility because it brings up uncomfortable questions like why are there still mosquitoes and wars and where did Dennis Rodman come from? Besides, if indeed I am lost in my own subconscious, then I don’t want to upset it because things have gone pretty well up to this point.

Alas, I suppose contrived craziness is not the ultimate answer to all of life’s questions, or any of life’s questions for that matter. Truly the key seems to be in keeping the right perspective. As is most often the case, dreams will give way to reality, and reality will give way to perception. So to a certain extent I can choose my foes and make them as fearsome or as frail as I wish while still maintaining my sanity in its current state. Imagine that!